That night, was the worst night of life...trying to sleep, being emotionally exhausted, the pain in my head from crying so much, was unlike any headache I'd ever felt, dealing with all the calls from the hospital and coroner- it felt like an overwhelming nightmare, and then I was supposed to go to bed somehow.
As I tried to sleep, crying, in bed with my phone- reading through every text my dad sent me, watching every video of him- poor little Ellie's molar teeth coming in- she she woke up all night long. In the middle of the night- when she woke up, she had jumped back against my face and hit my eye with her head. I didn't hurt that bad- nothing would hurt as much as my heart did.
When I woke up, I felt like throwing up- I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want this to be my reality. I felt literally sick to my stomach over waking up, knowing my dad wasn't here on Earth. I went to brush my teeth...my dad was always big on brushing teeth the second you woke up- and I realized I had a nice little black eye going on.
I still have my black eye...these picture were taken a few days ago... somehow, black eyes seem to get worse looking, I've realized.
This week has felt like it was a month long in some ways, and then it feels like it was just not so long ago that my dad sent me his last text. I never imagined that I would spend Father's Day weekend, packing up all my dad's things by myself. Correction- I wasn't by myself...my dad was with me in my heart, and God was with me too. I think it was kind of good I was by myself...God was able to strengthen my heart while I did it. And I imagined I what my Dad would do, how he would just get it done.
Random facts:
My heart is torn. I like this picture at the top. I like to smile. I haven't felt like smiling very much this last week. My dad smiled a lot. He would light up the room when he walked in- always with a big smile on his face. His personality was full of life, happiness and fun. I want to smile. He made me smile. The thought of him will always make me smile.
Though our heart is breaking on the inside, sometimes a smile on the outside... can work it's way from our face to our heart.
As I stood, in my closet yesterday...I heard this song...and I felt like I was standing in a storm...and all my tears that had fallen were held in God's hands. If you'e lost a loved one- my heart breaks with yours. I know, no words can comfort a mourning heart. But sometimes just offering a heart to break along with theirs is comforting- to know someone just is wishing your pain away, beacuase it won't go anywhere, but that they will stand with you in the storm of heartbreak and just be with you is comforting.
If you are in a "storm" of life, of any kind, depression, sadness, grief, dispair, heart ache of any kind, I hope this song will speak to your heart like it did to mine yesterday:
and though my heart is breaking, I will smile on the outside so that is might work it's way to my heart...especially because my dad would be smiling...I can feel his smile.
I bet people don't think I'm a boxer when they see my shiner, but I bet my dad would think it was funny...and he's say "You're lookin' Good!"
A black eye and a broken heart....ha ha ha ha I'm in good shape!
huge hugs from my torn heart and black eye, your kandee
59 comments:
Thank you for sharing Kandee. One day...everything will be alright. Cling onto that hope you have. Its the best lifeline. Praying for you n your family
Oh Kandee my heart is broken for u and the loss of ur dad....ur so brave to have lovingly packed away his belongings and just to wake up everyday is indeed a feat. I too am mourning the loss of my beloved mom Lilly and although its been a yr since just passing, I still haven't gone through her stuff. I can only pray I have the strength u did and know with time the pain will be slightly more bearable... Sending hugs and love from NYC :-)
Praying for you. Thank you for sharing this. God is so faithful, He crying with you and holding you in His arms. Loves and hugs<3
Still Praying for you every chance I get!
You're such an amazing person Kandee. You have thousands of hugs and prayers coming at you. You've given so much hope to everyone, now we are here to give you the same hope back. This isn't going to get better soon, and you can't just get over a death soon, maybe not even ever, but I know that your dad wants you to be happy again some day and that he wants you to continue to share the love you've given people, whether it be all over You Tube, or even just at home with your children. We love you dearly and will always be here for you, no matter what. So much hugs!!
I absolutely love this song, and it always comes to my mind when I'm dealing with a difficult time. Though I haven't had to bear the pain of losing a parent I understand your hurt, and am always praying for you! Praying for your comfort and peace through this very hard time. Love you, Kandee! You're such an inspiration to me :)
You've helped me and plenty others so much through hard times with your inspiring words. I hope you're getting all of the kindness and caring back from all of your followers.
Awww! Dearest Kandee!! So very sorry for your loss! Ill keep you and your family in my prayers. Hugs!!
Xoxo,
Michelle
Praying hard for you! This song had helped me through some very hard times as well. Thanks for sharing it in your blog post! Most people say that it gets easier over time. That time heals. In my experience, time tends to make it harder. Though it seems harder, time allows you to learn new way to cope with feelings. God also helps. Praying that God heals your broken heart, and your black eye.. Haha Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience with all these people tht you don't know. It helps to know you're not alone!
Kandee, I can feel your overwhelming heart ache through your writing. I couldn't imagine going through what you are momentarily. It takes a lot of courage and strength to get through something like this, but you will do it. Time will heal your broken heart and black eye. Hold onto those memories you have. Maybe write a journal about your feelings to help you get through them and to help you remember those memories you never want to forget. I wish you the best. My prayers are with you and your father. XoX
Brought tears to my eyes ...you are a strong woman ...you have all the love and support from your viewers ....
Praying for you, kandee. You're such an inspiration, and your heart touches so many people. Keep listening to your heart and continue to let your bright personality carry you through this rough time..... Thanks for all of your advice, kind words, and insight to a happy life.... I don't even know you but you always make me feel better. :) keep smiling.
Broken heart and black eye aside, you still look beautiful. You are the most beautiful person I've ever known. It's funny to say that because I've actually never met you but I still feel like I know you. I absolutely adore you and your family and if I wasn't halfway across the country, I'd comd find you and give you a big hug!! Love you always! -brittany
Your so strong kandee. God will help you through these dark days. It will hurt no matter what, but as long as you have God and those amazing memoriess with your dad, you'll be okay. ;D
So sorry for the loss of your dad, kandee!! My heart goes out to you and your family ❤
You are so loved Kandee, my heart breaks for you and your family. You will see him again, "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" We all have victory in Jesus over the pain life throws at us and when we are all finally reunited in heaven the pain will be over for eternity!
I love that song and it has gotten me through very difficult times. I have been praying for you and your family this past week and hope you guys find peace. Huge hugs from Texas!
Its been 17 years since I lost my dad, a stroke brought on due to diabetes. The pain never goes away, it jus gets easier to deal with. As time goes on, you learn to not cry over the loss, but to remember and revel in the happy days. The days when you were together and it was nothing special, but you and your daddy having a talk about fishing. The first time he held his grandbabies and the pride that poured from his soul. Please know that as you hurt, we hurt for you. He helped you become the woman you are, and that is an extension of him. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I'm lost for words. This post couldn't have come at a much better time and I am in literally floods of tears. Thank you for sharing this, even though it must have been really hard to write and put it all into words. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that your heart one day heals and that you can smile and be happy again when you're ready. Your dad would be so proud of you, keep smiling. God bless. <3
one of my favorite songs....Praising Him in the storm.....reading through Job brought me a little comfort after my Dad passed....maybe it will help you too? Praying for you Kandee.<3
I know this sounds silly but one of these days you'll be able to wake up and forget to be sad. :/ You'll never be able to forget your father but the agony will subside. Love is hard b/c it is everything. If it was easy it wouldn't be worth anything. Still praying for your family.
Darling Kandee:
Even in your deepest grief you exude grace, kindness, and positive energy. You are STILL inspiring me even in your worst moment. My heart breaks for you and I am praying and thinking of you and your family. Know how much you are loved and how VERY PROUD your dad is of you up there in heaven!!! Much love to you and yours.
I recently lost my twin nieces this year my sister in law had to go through labor and we got got to hold out silent little Angels. This had been the toughest year of my life and there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about them. We will never understand why God had to take them home so soon, but we know that their must have been filled while they were here. Those girls have made the biggest impact in my life and have given me the strength to move forward in things I have always been afraid to do. The pain is agonizing but at the same time I see them in things all around me each day and I am thankful for that. I will pray for you and your heart ache Kandee you have always inspired me by your strength and happiness through all pain. Thank you for being you! And showing everyone's Gods love through anything <3 Liz
I'm so sorry for what has happened. My love and prayers goes to you and your whole family. I hope you will feel better soon. You got me through my worst time in my life and you probably didn't even know, just because you made your awesome videos. I love you Kandee, take care!!! <3
I'm not going lie to you because honestly it will never be the same. 10 years from now your going be sad and missing him as much as you today. You see I lost my dad ten years ago in november. He wasn't suppose to die when he was so young, hell when I was so young. I miss him every day and each time a new milestone hits I wish he was here to see it. But promise you the pain does ease and you carry on like we are forced to. I remeber it was a couple weeks before I slept, ate, or could even function. But eventually we push on and the pain easies. I'm sorry that you are going thru this. But I'm not going to pretend everything will be fine and that its all ok. All I can say is I'm sorry. Time does heal but right now its like open wound and nothing feels right. Just hang in there you will come thru this stronger than ever. Hugs, tears, and prayers to you.
You're just amazing.
Still praying for everyone shaken by this tragedy. You are one of the most inspirational humane beings. You have helped me, even when you didnt know. I hope you will be able to return to your happy self again soon, in fact I know you can. Your dad is now you amazing guardian angel.
So much love,
Emma
Here from Spain, from thousands of miles away, I would like to send you all my strenght, your father will always walk by your side.
Andrea
You know whats weird I was going on instagram and I noticed you haven't instagramed anything then I went on YouTube and I saw that you made no video and for some reason I knew something was wrong. So I went on your blog and I read your post... I am so sorry I too lost someone a 1 1/2 wk ago n it's hard to loose someone that has done so much for you but I know at least he is going somewhere happier where there is no sadness just happiness and one day we all will too and we will no longer suffer. I'll pray for you and your family��And Stay Strong��❤
Kandee I am so sorry to hear this awful news. My father in-law passed away suddenly last year, I know the heartache you're going through right now. Just know that although the pain never goes away, it gets better, you just need to cling on to your precious good memories to help you through this time of pain. My heart, and so many others I'm sure, are with you and your family xxx
I was praying for you and I am so happy that, god hear me. You are here,almost smiling again. I love you kandee. You can do it!!! Everybody are here
Just like your song... this "storm" too shall pass... Your heart may always long for one more moment with him, but God has a way of filling our needs at just the right time. Don't hide your beautiful smile, let this time in your life treasure it even more. Praying for you. ((hugs))
I know exactly how your feeling friend...my im 26 yrs old...and I was daddys girl...he passed suddenly a little over a month ago...he was healthy...he went to sleep and didnt wake up...it was the most horrifying call...it still dsnt feel real...but prayer really does work wonders...the pain ur feeling right now...this is as bad as it gets...it dsnt get worse I promise...it never goes away...but it does get better...much love n prayers sweet kandeegurl :)
Kandee my hearts hurts for you even though there's nothing anyone can say or do to take your pain away know that you are loved and that we're praying for you and when u start to think about your dad not being here take a little comfort in knowing that god loved your dad so much that he was ready for him to go back to heaven but know that your dad is always with you and he's smiling down on you!!!
I love you Kandee! I hope that you know you are in so many of your fans hearts. You inspire us all and I hope you can find comfort in that. You will see your Dad again. So much love!!!
Hugs and kisses to you and your family <3
Kandee you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and my love goes out to you. This sure has been a tough week. A friend of mine's 17 yr old little brother was killed in a car accident on Father's Day, he too was a young father. A week before he had just graduated high school and was going to have a huge graduation/birthday party this weekend since his 18th bday would be on Monday. Seeing the pain my friend and her family are going through tears my heart to pieces and I know you must be going through the same emotions, but one thing to remember is..God does not give us more than we can handle! Much <3 and prayers your way!
I feel like I know you, like your a friend. I was happy to have seen a blog from you in my reader. I lost my mom 17 years ago. I was too young to be losing my mom. I remember watching the sunrise and thinking how something so pretty shouldn't be happening. Later, I couldn't understand how people just went on like life never stopped. How could they smile and laugh?
I've come to realize that the saying "time heals all wounds" is false. You will have pain but as time goes on, that pain becomes easier to bare. 17 years. She's been gone that long and I still can't listen to the song "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey and Boyz to Men.
All that to say I know how you feel and I hope and pray that you receive so much comfort and support during this time. Please don't let this keep you away from your passions and from encouraging others. I know firsthand how something can take control of your life. Don't become a prisoner to that. Stand strong. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to wonder why.
God says we go through life and with the comfort we receive during our times of struggle we will ourselves comfort others during their times of heartache and troubles.
Hugs your kids and cherish every moment, as I have no doubt that you already do.
I am very sorry for your loss. You're so inspirational to your readers and hopefully we can all help you through this difficult time. Your dad is looking down upon you and would never want you to have to give an excuse for that beautiful smile. Mourning him should include not only tears for your sadness but smiles for the wonderful memories.
We love you. We pray for you. As always. In time you'll come back to us. But you won't be forgotten in my prayers, and take your time. Love heals many things, the love he had for you, as you continue to unfold the chapters of your fathers love it will wrap your heart in layers of warmth and you will radiate once again. Until then, cry until you can't, smile through the tears and love your babies like he loved you. Love Amy
Kandee I am so sorry for your loss. I've never lost a parent but have lost many close to me. I am praying that God, the ultimate protector and healer, would overwhelm you with comfort. May you be wrapped tightly in his arms. You are close in my heart and prayers.
I have always said that if it wasn't always something then I guess there would be nothing. Sorry you're having such brought time. One day at a time! Just remember that the sun will continue to rise and set. We cannot change the things that have happened, just our reactions to them. Allow yourself to hurt, it's not an easy thing to deal with. Time is on your side.
Kandee, I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but just remember that this life is not the end and someday you will see your dad again. Lots of love
Dear Kandee, my heart goes out to u in this trying time. To quote Nick Cannon, "When we are absent in body we are present with God." May that knowledge help u to know that your Dad is with God and is looking down on u with love and happiness. I will keep u and your loved ones in my prayers xox
Kandee,
You're so brave to be dealing with the loss, while still being such an amazing mother to your children. Your dad would be so proud of you!
God bless you, you're in my prayers,
Still praying for you Kandee! I wanted to share a song with you that I think you will like. Its called "if heaven wasn't so far away" by justin moore. Huge hugs to you <3
Kandee I cried reading this:( you have your dads smile. Your dad would be so proud of you. You make me happy just the way you carry yourself and watching your funny videos. I feel for you. You have a big heart
love ya
kandee, im so sorry that you are having to go through this. im 16 years old and i watch your videos and read your blog everyday, i feel like i know you and you are my friend. so when i read your post about your dad passing i cried as if it were my dad. i have been praying for you for days now & i want you to know God is there for you. he gives and he takes away but he is a faithful God. yout father is with him now just counting down the days untill he gets to see youu again <33
Jesus continue to be near to Kandee and mend her heart like only you can. Take a hold of her life and give her your beautiful hope. Restore her peace, her joy and vibrant heart for life...bless her tremendously during this time. Amen. Big hugs to you beautiful lady.
My heart is aching for you Kandee. I lost a close friend February 18,2012 in a tragic dirtbike accident. He was 30. One of the funniest, most charismatic, and someone I could always count on type of person. That day at the hospital is burned in my brain...it took a long time to even know what day of the week it was. It's all you can think about. This kind of grief changes you. It makes you stronger, it makes you appreciate everyone you love around you. It makes you hug more and spread your love to those that matter. It makes you aware that tomorrow is not a promise, so you have to live each day like its your last. I would do anything for just one more day. <3 between each smile there is a tear in my eye, Shannon <3
My dearest kandee, may my and others' love and prayers for you and your family reach your heart and help ease the pain. Let the strength you have bestowed upon all of us through the years meet you with open arms. We are here for you. You have His and our shoulders to cry upon. I'm sending you tons and tons of hugs.
Kandee,
My heart goes out to your family, just know you father would be so proud of you, he loved you, and you loved him so much! He's in a goo place, I lost my father two years ago, i know how you feel if you new anyone to talk to to try and get through this leave me a comment an ill give you my e-mail
Stay strong girl!
<3
Hi Kandee I just watched a video on you tube of you speaking at IMATS in New York what a motivational person you are. This is the gift the Lord has blessed you with. I can only imagine how everything seems so far away to you, how you are walking through the darkness. Please know that we are all waiting for you on the other side I pray for you and your beautiful family every day. You inspire us so much we just want you to know we are here for you too. Love you Kandee we miss you God Bless you. Hang on to Jesus He will see you through.
Sending hugs your way from Asheville, NC. I wish I had a magic wand to make life all better. Life can deal out some tough blows and I am so very sorry you and your family have to go through this pain. Just want you to know you have made a huge difference in my life and made me smile during some of my own tough times. Hang in there and one day your tears will lessen and your smiles will slowly come back. I promise this dark cloud over you will lift... -Eve
Kandee,
We all love you and are inspired by you. Your dad is proud to see that you have touched so many lives. He is in your heart & smiling on you and your entire family from Heaven. I know it doesn't cure the pain, but I hope all of our comments let you know that we are all here for you- to listen & love you. Even though we aren't there in person, we are still here just for you.
Love from Tennessee,
Katie
THE BROKEN CHAIN - loved this poem after my "abuelito" passed
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name
In life we loved you dearly; in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.- Anon.
Poor Kandee. Why do bad things happen to good people? You still look amazing even with no makeup and a black eye because you have true beauty. But you have to smile for me. Cuz thats my favorite look for you.
Kandee, I think you are all around amazing. I know thats not much that can heal a broken heart other than faith, but I just want to say each day when life feels like its this crazy ride that's about to just completely knock you down ,"Take it by the horns, Grab on tight, Don't Let Go, and Scream." The same day you got the news about your father, I stood by my grandpa and watched him take his last breath. Death is not natural and somethin one can never get used to. But prayer and faith will help you thru the hardest times. And remember 1corinth10:13. God will not tempt you beyond what you can bear. So just know that you are STRONG! <33 lots of love and big hugs, Jazmin.
Another song that may help you is called "the anchor holds" by ray boltz
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